"If I Am"
So your standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall.
So far down,
Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.
Now you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience!
For though I cannot fly,
I'm not content to crawl!...
So give me a little credit,
Have in me a little faith!
I want to be with you forever,
If tomorrow's not too late!...
And it's always too late when you've got nothing
So you say!...
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises today...
IF I AM!
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
IF I AM!
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
So your walking on the edge,
And you wait your turn to fall.
But you're so far gone,
That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you.
And you could find the fault,
In the heart that you've been handed!
For though you cannot fly,
You're not content to crawl!...
And it's always too late when you've got nothing
So you say!...
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises...
IF I AM!
Another waste of everything you hoped for,
I will let you down...
IF I AM!
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
So you're standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall...
IF I AM!
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
IF I AM!
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
The answers we find,
Are never what we had in mind.
So we make it up as we go along...
You don't talk of dreams
I won't mention tomorrow.
And we won't make those promises that we can't keep...
I will never leave you!
I will not let you down!
I will never leave you!
I will not let you down!
So your standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall.
So far down,
Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.
Now you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience!
For though I cannot fly,
I'm not content to crawl!...
So give me a little credit,
Have in me a little faith!
I want to be with you forever,
If tomorrow's not too late!...
And it's always too late when you've got nothing
So you say!...
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises today...
IF I AM!
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
IF I AM!
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
So your walking on the edge,
And you wait your turn to fall.
But you're so far gone,
That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you.
And you could find the fault,
In the heart that you've been handed!
For though you cannot fly,
You're not content to crawl!...
And it's always too late when you've got nothing
So you say!...
But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,
Before the sun rises...
IF I AM!
Another waste of everything you hoped for,
I will let you down...
IF I AM!
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
So you're standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall...
IF I AM!
Another waste of everything you dreamed of,
I will let you down...
IF I AM!
Only here to watch you as you suffer,
I will let you down...
The answers we find,
Are never what we had in mind.
So we make it up as we go along...
You don't talk of dreams
I won't mention tomorrow.
And we won't make those promises that we can't keep...
I will never leave you!
I will not let you down!
I will never leave you!
I will not let you down!
Dear Father,
Earlier this morning, I was reading through the comments in my blog, and I was quite happy to see that several people had liked what I have written. I read back on some of my entries and for some reason, I found myself amused at how I narrated stuff about my life.
The song above popped in my head right after reading my birthday entry last year. It's "If I Am" by Nine Days. I must admit, I'm not a fan of the band, and I stumbled upon the acoustic version of their song while listening to my cousin's MP3 collection. I loved it at the first moment I heard it, and had memorized its lyrics in no time. I could listen to this song over and over in my head and never get tired of it. But since the MP3 is stowed away in my home PC, I was not able to hear that song again for months now.
Looking at the lyrics now made me realize why it felt special to me. It is related to me and my relationships not just with other people but myself as well. Sometimes, I just give up on myself, in the limitations and imperfections that I have. I would not take criticisms lightly and would find myself always at fault.
But things had changed.
Now that I had let go of the need to impress other people, I feel more free to be myself and express myself in the style that I want. I realize just how much criticism can help you grow, if given at the right moment and with the right voice. I know that I should never judge, and take time to analyze everything before making a decision.
I had learned a lot.
But as I said, the song also covers my relationships with other people. Other people, which includes you.
Back at 2002, during our 4th Year Recollection Seminar held at Antipolo, our class did a series of soul-searching activities together with another class. In Recollection Seminars like this, it was as if it's really expected of you to cry at one point or another. But all throughout, I found nothing worth crying about. Maybe because I was bored out of my wits half the time.
But during the final leg of the seminar, just before the concluding mass, we had a speaker come to the altar and relate his past. I could not remember his name. It was Jamie or James or Jessie or something. But I seriously can remember his story.
The one thing that made me cry.
He, like me, once hated his father. His father had not left him, but was brutal with him. His punishments were unbearable. So the speaker decided to leave them and build his own life when he was old enough. He got a stable job and a family as well. He had left his past behind.
He would occasionally receive calls and texts from his siblings and mother. But never from his father. He felt that his father didn't care. His hatred for him grew. He cursed his father and his existence.
But one day, he received a call from his sister. Their father wanted to see him.
Still bitter, he hesitates, but ends up going home. And he saw his father for the first time in years.
He had aged drastically. The powerful arms that used to whip him are not as strong as they were. He sat in a wheelchair. His strong character was still there, and yet, in his eyes, his father is finally powerless and weak.
For a moment there, pride set in.
His father asked for his forgiveness. He refused to give in. He still hated him.
Days passed. His father would continually ask for him. Ask to go out with him. To spend time with him. At first he refused. Until finally, he realized that he could not go on hating forever. He gave in.
It was the happiest one week of his life. They went to the mall together. Played chess. Did a lot of guy stuff together. It seemed to go on forever. But then again, nothing lasts forever.
His father had a heart attack. As he was being rushed to the hospital, his father searched for him. He held out his hand, and his father gripped it tightly even inside the ambulance. When they are going to the ER, they found it impossible to loosen the father's grip on his son's hand. They had to let him inside the ER, and the Speaker watched the final moments of his old man's life.
He found it hard to believe, but he cried for him after that.
He cried, for the regret. For all the things they failed to do together. For not being able to be there when his father needed him.
For not being able to forgive him.
And suddenly, I found myself crying. Admitting to the people I do not care much about that I lived most of my life searching for my own father. Never having felt what it was like to be loved by a man. To my surprise, there were several other students like me in the crowd, including my bestfriend and one of my close friends.
Did you know why I cried, father?
I realized that hating you entirely will lead to nothing. And I also felt great regret for not being able to enjoy a lot of stuff together with you. I want that one day with you. I want to know what it's like to be loved by a father.
I want to know, most of all, if you ever loved me and Mama.
Father, if you are reading this, I do hope that you come home. I miss you in a way that cannot be measured by human limits. If I ever shun you, or shout at you or reject you, please don't turn away. Give me time and don't give up. You are still my father, and I am still your daughter. I still have a space for you in my heart, no matter how small it would seem to be.
Sincerely yours,
UrbanWitch
Earlier this morning, I was reading through the comments in my blog, and I was quite happy to see that several people had liked what I have written. I read back on some of my entries and for some reason, I found myself amused at how I narrated stuff about my life.
The song above popped in my head right after reading my birthday entry last year. It's "If I Am" by Nine Days. I must admit, I'm not a fan of the band, and I stumbled upon the acoustic version of their song while listening to my cousin's MP3 collection. I loved it at the first moment I heard it, and had memorized its lyrics in no time. I could listen to this song over and over in my head and never get tired of it. But since the MP3 is stowed away in my home PC, I was not able to hear that song again for months now.
Looking at the lyrics now made me realize why it felt special to me. It is related to me and my relationships not just with other people but myself as well. Sometimes, I just give up on myself, in the limitations and imperfections that I have. I would not take criticisms lightly and would find myself always at fault.
But things had changed.
Now that I had let go of the need to impress other people, I feel more free to be myself and express myself in the style that I want. I realize just how much criticism can help you grow, if given at the right moment and with the right voice. I know that I should never judge, and take time to analyze everything before making a decision.
I had learned a lot.
But as I said, the song also covers my relationships with other people. Other people, which includes you.
Back at 2002, during our 4th Year Recollection Seminar held at Antipolo, our class did a series of soul-searching activities together with another class. In Recollection Seminars like this, it was as if it's really expected of you to cry at one point or another. But all throughout, I found nothing worth crying about. Maybe because I was bored out of my wits half the time.
But during the final leg of the seminar, just before the concluding mass, we had a speaker come to the altar and relate his past. I could not remember his name. It was Jamie or James or Jessie or something. But I seriously can remember his story.
The one thing that made me cry.
He, like me, once hated his father. His father had not left him, but was brutal with him. His punishments were unbearable. So the speaker decided to leave them and build his own life when he was old enough. He got a stable job and a family as well. He had left his past behind.
He would occasionally receive calls and texts from his siblings and mother. But never from his father. He felt that his father didn't care. His hatred for him grew. He cursed his father and his existence.
But one day, he received a call from his sister. Their father wanted to see him.
Still bitter, he hesitates, but ends up going home. And he saw his father for the first time in years.
He had aged drastically. The powerful arms that used to whip him are not as strong as they were. He sat in a wheelchair. His strong character was still there, and yet, in his eyes, his father is finally powerless and weak.
For a moment there, pride set in.
His father asked for his forgiveness. He refused to give in. He still hated him.
Days passed. His father would continually ask for him. Ask to go out with him. To spend time with him. At first he refused. Until finally, he realized that he could not go on hating forever. He gave in.
It was the happiest one week of his life. They went to the mall together. Played chess. Did a lot of guy stuff together. It seemed to go on forever. But then again, nothing lasts forever.
His father had a heart attack. As he was being rushed to the hospital, his father searched for him. He held out his hand, and his father gripped it tightly even inside the ambulance. When they are going to the ER, they found it impossible to loosen the father's grip on his son's hand. They had to let him inside the ER, and the Speaker watched the final moments of his old man's life.
He found it hard to believe, but he cried for him after that.
He cried, for the regret. For all the things they failed to do together. For not being able to be there when his father needed him.
For not being able to forgive him.
And suddenly, I found myself crying. Admitting to the people I do not care much about that I lived most of my life searching for my own father. Never having felt what it was like to be loved by a man. To my surprise, there were several other students like me in the crowd, including my bestfriend and one of my close friends.
Did you know why I cried, father?
I realized that hating you entirely will lead to nothing. And I also felt great regret for not being able to enjoy a lot of stuff together with you. I want that one day with you. I want to know what it's like to be loved by a father.
I want to know, most of all, if you ever loved me and Mama.
Father, if you are reading this, I do hope that you come home. I miss you in a way that cannot be measured by human limits. If I ever shun you, or shout at you or reject you, please don't turn away. Give me time and don't give up. You are still my father, and I am still your daughter. I still have a space for you in my heart, no matter how small it would seem to be.
Sincerely yours,
UrbanWitch
